haiku tuesday: rollercoaster of love

hi, sorry, sometimes i feel like twitter has eliminated the need for a blog. why organise my thoughts when i can just text every single thing that pops into my head?

i am supposed to be leaving for toronto tonight. the scope of my trip has changed significantly in the last few days, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. it's not like boston, i haven't been ditched, it's just different. i wanted to get out of the city and i've got that. i'm excited to see my wonderful, amazing friends fallon and kat and to have canadian adventures. when we're together, things are good automatically. we'll see how it goes from there.

i am supposed to be packing, and it is not going well. i am easily distracted and anxious. i am working tonight before i spend the night on a greyhound, and i'm in no mood. my current new york-based "fancy friend" is driving me a little bit insane, and it's starting to feel like i'm taking care of a stray cat - while i might get to scratch its belly once in a while, unless i make the effort to put food and water out every night i cannot guarantee it will come back to my yard. jesus, what a metaphor. um, i also can't find my passport, but i guess i don't need it. driver's license, birth certificate, it's on. bring on the maple leaves and loaded soda. i'll probs come back with an accent; i always do.

we went to coney island yesterday, and i wrote some lovely poetry about it. i shared my haikus with my travel companions and they also contributed. surprise! haiku tuesday is back. i'm posting on a freakin' MONDAY, cos if i don't post now i'm likely to forget.

ahh coney island
freezepops, feet in the water
look! floating band-aid!

men of brighton beach
bald and shirtless, hairy backs
put a shirt on plz

cyclone is not safe.
if we perish on the ride
ben can have my stuff

red moon on the beach
rising quickly, visibly
we've got french fries. SWEET.

oh! when we were leaving there was some guy on the boardwalk with a screaming cockatoo on his shoulder and i ACTUALLY thought: awesome, i have an excuse to use my 'unexpected cockatoos' tag! i hate you, internet. anyway, we had a lovely day, but some of us had a better time than others and the aftermath resulted in the destruction of one of my favourite parts of my friend's backyard garden. this was contributed by the offender's lovely roommate bri:

she can turn it on
in one seductive beach day.
poor broken hammock

to which the offender responds:

i am not amused
inappropriate haiku
what's wrong with some fun?

(i say:
there is no such thing
as an inappropriate
haiku, fyi.)

and bri responds:

nothing wrong with fun
who would begrudge a possum
their wild swinging ways?

whatever you're imagining, you're right, and the hammock is broken forever. summer's almost over, and we move on to bigger and better things. like canada!

haiku tuesday: pin my heart upon your sleeve and you can keep it

hiiiiii! how are you guys? how was your monday? did you guys watch american gladiators? anybody? crush?

...

whatever. let's discuss intellectual topics, like poetry!

haiku tuesday this week revolves around GIRL DRAMA. once upon a time, my old roommate k and i started a website called LOLhan. in this magical corner of the internet, we combined our love of LOLcats with our never-ending obsession with miss lindsay lohan, celebrated thespian and america's sweetheart. we were pioneers in the world of internet stupidity! the site was featured on gawker and pink is the new blog, it got a bazillion hits, and it really truly got k laid once... for christmas this year, bonnie had several of the best LOLhans printed and framed, and many of them hang in our hallway to this very day (insisting, "but it's your own art gallery!" when i protested). at the height of the website's success, part of me hoped that somebody would want to advertise on it so i could make a living picking on lindsay lohan. alas, that never happened, and eventually k and i got sick of updating it, but it was definitely ahead of its time. i imagine that somewhere out there, lindsay's legal team know who i am and wish i was dead. why can't i back up off her? why can't i let her live? I DON'T KNOW.

despite LOLhan's extended sabbatical, my love for lindsay presses on, and this week jade and i decided to cover the ALLEGED forbidden romance between lilo and androgynously adorable dj samantha ronson. enjoy!

Dina Lohan's all
"They're just friends!" - but who trusts HER?
Oh yeah, nice hickey.

If it turns out that
your hickey came from Ashley
Olsen... she will die.

Get your 15-year-
old Full House ass away from
my girlfriend, you bitch

I love you like I
love my trademark black leggings:
Tight, and on my waist.

OMG Lindsay
You swear you're not a homo
but.. SERIOUSLY.

If it comes down to
SamRon or my nose candy...
...Can i snort you, Sam?

(I'M ONTO YOU.)

Photog in the trees
Captures intimate moments
Homos, you're busted.

Lindsay! You can be
My sister-in-law after
Mark Ronson is mine.

I never thought that
I'd be dating whoever
made that shitty song:

(i feel you, linds.)

I want to wear your
trademark fedora after
we've made with the sex

Remember when I
used to go out with Wilmer
Valderrama? HA.

(I want to make jokes
about I Know Who Killed Me
but no-one saw it.)

I feel like I speak
on behalf of everyone:
you're cute together.

haiku tuesday: the bitch don't work

hello all, and welcome to a fabulous haiku tuesday! the current time is 9:49 am, and i am writing to you from a corner cubicle in soho. thanks to my network of excellent friends, i am working a trained monkey's temp job for a real estate company, as well as my regularly scheduled night gig! this means fifteen-hour days on the hamster wheel, working my ass off to go absolutely nowhere - but it beats the alternative. i am earning my entire month's (paltry) income in one week, which is nice - hopefully i can stretch this job out to a couple of weeks. i thought this was only going to be a day or two, so i'm quite grateful to be busy, far away from the roaring silence of the apartment...

what fools boredom breeds

so much to do!

so many goldfish to feed!

- catatonia, 'goldfish and paracetamol'

it's interesting to me how i have been randomly thrust into this extremely stuffy corporate environment (i am wearing a skirt right now - simmer on THAT), probably close to what my mom/grandma/everybody i've asked for help finding a job had in mind when they told me to grow up and get a "real" job, and to me it seems like the furthest thing from reality. it's really quite something to go from an office where we freely distributed porn, drank on the job, talked up our sexual exploits (i was famously quiet on the subject, but knew everybody else's business) and generally disrespected each other on a daily basis to this dry, sterile office. i feel highly inappropriate all the time, no matter what i'm doing, like even if i dress for the part everyone can still tell that i don't belong here. i'm doing the work i've been given, but i'm definitely not ready to take this seriously - instead of considering this some kind of grand opportunity to turn my life around and be an adult, i see this whole thing as irrelevant to my life.. sort of like what the people who actually work here would think about taking any kind of job like the ones i'd actually WANT. it's two different worlds. i'm lucky they let me into this one for a little while, for just long enough to pay a chunk of my rent.

yesterday was my first day here, and it was a bit nerve-wracking.. i hadn't been in a legit office environment for anything that wasn't a career-related internship since 2000 (when i spent a summer researching nazi medical experiments! worst summer job ever). this place is full of career-minded jewish men in their early thirties, leading me to suspect that my grandmother masterminded this temp job. maybe if i'm lucky i can meet a nice israeli broker and settle down, quit working, squeeze out a couple of puppies like i've always dreamed, move to livingston, play tennis. maybe not.

a complete stranger overheard hilary and me bitching about our monetary woes at wild ginger and paid for our lunches. i thought that was a nice way to start one's week. i paid it forwards by making this delicious food for bonnie and elena (pictured: homemade bruschetta, badass wine. not pictured: fresh salad, whole wheat penne with homemade marinara, fruit, dark chocolate)...

...and bonnie paid it forwards by giving elena a gorgeous dress for her law school prom (elena pays it forwards every day by being an activist, a feminist, a vegan, an optimist and a champion)...

...so there's a lot of good karma floating around out there today; try and catch some of it if you can.

regardless!! it does not matter if i am marginally employed right now - this lasts only as long as the pile of papers in front of me. for all intents and purposes, i am still on the hunt, still seeking career fulfillment in a very major way.

therefore

this week's haiku topic is the hazy cloud that has settled over my life and also jade's - not having a damn job.

i'm without a job
just like everybody else
in all of harlem!

actual text message exchange between jade and stef, circa 3:50 this afternoon:

jade: i have already

checked myspace ten times today

ahh... unemployment.

stef: wait until you learn

the joy-slash-pain of facebook!

you will kill yourself!

i can rearrange
the furniture a few more
times... before i snap.

top model reruns
i can only take so much.
tyra, wtf?

i made all the rounds.
maury, springer, and montel.
fuck, it's only 9.

when i was working
i never realized how long
a whole day can be

hate to admit - free

espresso softens the blow:

working for the man.

business casual.

you can dress me up, but can't

take me anywhere.

this day was made for
laying around on my bed
and watching star wars

the call will come soon:

"here, have some stuff to do and

a bunch of money!"

now i have time for
all the things i want to do
...i'm takin' a nap.

failed haiku tuesday: glitter on the highway

i want to write haikus today - i really do. last night at lawrence's sister sarah's book release party (it was a KARAOKE party!), lawrence asked what the haiku topic was this week! knowing somebody out there actually cares what the haiku topic is warmed my cold, shriveled little heart. i wrote him one right there on the spot:

lawrence lewitinn!
i wrote this haiku for you
because i love you!

awwww.

unfortunately, things are still kind of rough out here. i had a bomb dropped on me last night that i'm still processing. i feel like so far 2008 has actually been really great to me, but the setbacks have been.. considerable. this one is very personal and very major and i'm working on being able to forgive and move on, like the dalai lama or the buddha or somebody else who's really chill and not upset about petty things. i am ZEN.

new coping method:
keep busy, wait til it blows
over on its own.

that was a haiku also, get it?
see... i'm not in a good head space for poetry right now. it will end up all angsty and ridiculous, like i'm 12 years old all over again. nobody wants that.

hey guys, how was your weekend? mine was rough - i spent 24 hours or so on a bus, all so i could flee the country. usually my escape-from-new-york destination is philadelphia or boston, but this time i went to toronto, the city of dreams (someone's dreams, surely) to visit my gentleman caller. that guy is really going to need a better name on this blog than 'eyebrows.' his name is actually mike, not to be confused with my main gay mike, but we'll call him mike for now. we like mike! i'll be returning to canada shortly, and he may return to new york one of these weekends, and we will figure out a way to let the good times continue rolling, or whathaveyou. it's good right now - however, i respect his privacy and this is not a livejournal. let's move on.

when you bus it up to canada, the canadian coach bus drivers are totally pleasant and cool about getting you through the border, but on the way back they SCREAM AT YOU about how the us border patrol are gonna be TOTAL DICKS who will confiscate your cell phone and search all your luggage and generally make your life a living hell. i had no such problems with anyone other than said bus driver. they ask you where you're from, where you're headed, where you came from, why you were there. do you have any drugs? alcohol? no? see ya. i really didn't mind all the bus travel; ever since i was a baby, i have been comfortable sleeping in moving cars. i woke up a few times at various rest stops throughout upstate new york, but it was largely fine. totally worth it.

the border patrol
asked if i had any drugs.
i said no. "ok."

how's that for haiku magic?

you know what's awesome? canada. it's cute there, clean, polite, like what new york city would be if it wasn't for that pink goo in ghostbusters 2 or whatever. everybody's friendly and interesting, and they have cute accents (i'm a total sucker for cute accents, and may have started peppering my sentences with weird terms like "washroom" and "eh?"). the weird little record stores play avril lavigne, the toughest, most brilliant musician to ever come out of the great white north, and some dude on the subway platform was really carrying a hockey stick. canadians, y'all are adorable when you're cliches, and you make me want to be a better person.

know what's not as awesome? the american dollar is worth less than the canadian dollar. i used to feel like a millionaire up there.

i have good friends up north. i felt a little weird taking over mike's saturday night, but he willingly accompanied me to the henderson brothers' toronto lair so that i might visit kat and fallon, my darling friends of a million years or more who i hadn't seen in... well, at least two years. toooo long. i love those girls like family, and fallon really is coming to new york in august. we really are going to be really dangerous together, in the best way.

i've set up a slightly insane week for myself - it all just feels a little bit like treading water at the moment. i'll have a genuine haiku tuesday done soon, promise*.

* - next tuesday will also be insane, but in a good way. productivity potential is high.

haiku tuesday: the clouds will soon roll by

jade and i had a tough time coming up with a topic for this week's haikus. we wanted to break free of our previous material and head in a bold new direction. unfortunately, this week has been marred by disaster - jade got the flu, i got an eye infection, a bunch of firemen burst into my apartment and broke our boiler and for some reason i have had no heat or hot water since like friday ("but they were in uniform! aren't those guys heroes? how could they possibly do anything bad? ....okay, it was before coffee - i didn't ask any questions."), i managed to spill a pot of boiling water all over my leg, and most of my dealings with other human beings were.. unsatisfying. in short, we have a lot to bitch about, and since we are angsty teenagers at heart it makes sense for us to do so through our dark poetry. read on:

haiku tuesday: bitching and moaning edition.

Oh son of a bitch.
Fucking fifty five degrees
In my living room.

Fire fighting men,
I trusted you completely.
Why did you do this?

Fuck. Jade has the flu.
Donations are accepted
Chicken soup, hugs, cash

Godfuckingdamnit.
From now on I'm staying home!
People are bastards.

She took me out of
her top friends. Like... um.. really?
Are we in third grade?
(here i am in my glass house, throwin' stones... how you doin?)

Dude, your girlfriend sucks.
Seriously, I'm awesome.
Let's talk about it.

Boiling water
FUCK I spilled it on my leg.
Second degree BURNS.
(sidenote: AHHHF DSFOLDSIHTEF FUCK.)

Shrimp in my spring roll.
Fuck you, Chinese food. Fuck you.
I will seek revenge.

I drown my sorrows
with my good friend Jameson.
Don't fucking judge me.

back later, with sunshine and lollipops.

haiku tuesdays: love is a losing game

gooooooood afternoon! i have a LOT to talk about, including (but not limited to):
- elena's club kid-themed birthday party, which i deejayed (if girls dance on a coffeetable, you're a success in my book). punchy wins the award of the night for coming dressed as a mickey mouse club kid.
- the winehouse's grammy acceptance speech, her squidgie little face, and her blake incarcerated. i may have cried.
- my gross red-eye-of-death eye infection, which requires me to take steroids four times a day (i will be an american gladiator by the end of the week - crush, call me) and means i can't wear contacts or makeup. i have to wear my glasses, which makes me want to kill myself. it should be gone by friday. fuckin a. saturday morning, i looked like this. no matter how many times people tell me that they'd never notice unless i said something, i still feel like a monster. don't look at me!
- two days of siouxsie sioux: her clothing choices, dance moves and sexual prowess
- lennon and i have never been buddies, but yoko ono is being a douchebag. attention assclown: it's her fucking legal name. does yoko ono read this blog (phil: how is that tarnishment? stef: hellooo, property of goatfucker?!)???!?!
- eyebrows mcgirlypants is staying at my house - myyy house. all the furniture.. is in the garage. not really. but he is staying for an undetermined length of time, which is making me slightly crazy.
- my second spice girls experience with punchy, elena and alex - things i forgot the first time around (the riverdance bullshit at the end, for one thing), and the spice name lawrence bestowed upon me. i used to be creepy spice, but this is much more appropriate - spice rack. well done, sir!

but none of that matters today, because it's tuesday! so that means haiku day. did you guys know valentine's day was coming up? i kind of forgot about it, as it's one of my least favourite holidays (i don't eat milk chocolate, i hate flowers, rarely say anything nice and i also hate everyone)... but jade, her friend james and i have written some lovely pick-up line haikus, so even if you don't have a pasty, well-groomed canadian dude staying in your house, you can go get one! or a ladyfriend! or a trannyfriend! or whatever your little heart desires! i guarantee that at least one of these will work.

initially we were going to write these in the style of LOLcats, but that will have to wait for another day.

O hai! Love your shirt.
It'd look even better
on my bedroom floor

Pardon me, hot stuff.
I don't have a phone number.
Can I borrow yours?

They call me coffee
Would you like to hear how come?
Cos I grind so fine.

You're quite attractive.
If we were brother / sister,
incest would be cool.

I choo-choo-choo-choo
choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo
choo-choo-choo-choose you.

Baby, I'm thirsty
and you look just like a big
ass Gatorade, yo

You're so hot I think
you just melted the plastic
in my underwear

If I flip a coin,
what are the chances of me
getting laid tonight?

If you were a new
hamburger at McDonalds,
You'd be McGorgeous

Hi, my name is James...
I have some contraceptives....
Your place or my place?

Hello sexy (boy/girl).
I am here to invite you
to the pants party!

Excuse me please, sir/ma'am
Exciting proposition:
This can all be yours.

Nothing is hotter
than this - the red eye of death
I'm not contagious!

Valtrex prescription?
...That belongs to my roommate!
I totally swear.

Tell you what I want
What I really really want
Let's zig-a-zig-aah.

Pardon me, (good sir / miss thang)
Can I get you a glass of
water? You look HOT.

haiku tuesdays: she's like, so whatever

you know what? i'm updating a lot! my resolve to quit talking about myself means i have more to say (in theory). how do you guys feel about this shift in direction? nobody comments, so i have no way of knowing. i feel like the more i have going on, the less likely i am to want to share it with a bunch of anonymous ip addresses.

so let's lay it out on the line.. this week's haiku topic is everybody's favourite defunct television program, my so-called life - partially because i'm still fourteen years old (evidenced by my love of lip smackers, the delia's store, irrational mood swings and teenybopper pop music), and partially because we're good at it. haikus are by jade and ME unless otherwise noted... enjoy.

Hey Catalano
Who's that weird girl you were with
at Tino's? "Nobody."

Brian Krakow knows
Angela doesn't love him
So like, whatever.

Frozen Embryos
We broke up the other day
It was Tino's fault

Angela saw her
dad talking to a woman.
Cue the REM.

That girl Rayanne Graff
is not allowed in our home
She drank all my booze

Shelter from the storm
She's a place to rest my head
and i call her RED

Angela wrote me
It was a big ass letter
Too bad i can't read

Rayanne and Jordan
did it in the back of RED
Krakow taped it all

Instead of feelings,
Sharon has lots of beliefs.
Kyle's a butthead.

Rickie is homeless
And yet his black eyeliner
still looks fabulous

Vick wore mismatched socks
He chewed on a toothpick too
The kids thought he rocked

Patty got mad drunk
on the weekend getaway.
That episode ruled.

Whatever happened
to Danielle's annoying ass?
I hope she bagged Brian.

Mr Katimsky
wears a lot of turtlenecks
Wanna join drama?

as a special treat, we acquired a haiku from guest poet riese. somehow, although she is a writer by trade, she came out one syllable over quota. we'll allow her some poetic license, only because this haiku is seriously bangin':

Jordan: you say that
whatever happens, happens
Let's make kisses happen

the future of this blog is dubious. hm.

haiku tuesdays: do you have the speed, the strength, the heart to be a winner?

life is very exciting right now and i have a lot of feelings and a lot to talk about. on saturday, i went to a strip club with lawrence and macy and saw some really sad-looking strippers who looked like they wanted to be ANYWHERE ELSE. we named our favourite one 'bell jar.' nobody got a lap dance because they don't allow lap dances there, which is the stupidest business plan i've ever heard of in my life. last night i went out and drank with a plethora of sassy homosexuals, and enjoyed many spirited games of erotic photo hunt. i n addition, i'm getting a lot of cute emails from eyebrows these days, and i'm trying not to let that get to me. thinkin' with my brain. my luscious, alcohol-soaked brain.

did we get that out of the way? ok good, cos i have another new feature for you dudes. i am proud to present HAIKU TUESDAYS.

let's keep the intro short and sweet. i have a brother, his name is dave, we're polar opposites - where i was always brooding, moody rock'n'roll problem child, he's been consistently mellow, charming, athletic, adored by babies and the elderly. i'm a scorpio, he's a cancer. i drink whiskey, he does hammer throw. right now, he is filling out an application for the popular nbc television show american gladiators, a move i fully support. as much as i totally HATE sports, i inexplicably fucking love that show (i think it has something to do with the amount of time i spent watching double dare and guts as a child). i totally believe that dave would be amazing on this fascinating program, and i am eagerly encouraging him to drop out of school and become a full-time gladiator. anyway! the application is 28 pages long and full of ridiculous questions - they ask you what sort of thing you consider off limits for a dinner party, your greatest fear, etc. in addition, they ask you to draw a picture of yourself, and also to include a poem. if there's one thing i can help him with, it's that last category - i am a fucking haiku machine, and so is my charming friend jade. allow us to share with you some of the poems we submitted to dave for his approval:

Balls fly at your face
While wrestling men in spandex
It must be Monday.

Remember when Crush
kicked that bitch right in the head?
Nitro, we miss you

Hellga, are you a
Viking or German beer wench?
Either way - do me.

I suspect Hulk's "hair"
is part of his bandana.
You can't fool us, bro.

jade wrote this one for toa:
What was that weird thing
you chant out loud to scare us?
You wear a skirt, yo.

Fury has a big
Celine Dion sized forehead.
I got nothin' else.

Head like a Ken doll
Wearing your manzier with pride
Titan, no more juice.

Hungry like the Wolf
Check out those fuckin' sideburns!
His spandex scares me.

Listen up bitches.
Double Dare is for pussies.
Suck it, Mark Summers.

Oh gladiators!
Burly men in tight spandex
It's in no way gay.

i feel good about his chances... i'm hoping to turn haiku tuesdays into a regular feature, so feel free to submit topics.