cartoon recap: so much opinion

i mentioned in my last post that my great aunt gert died last week, that she was a much-loved fixture in my father's family and that we are all pretty bummed. as you might imagine, the last week has involved a lot of cold cuts, elderly relatives and inter-family tension... none of these things are my favourite. mothers' day was very poorly timed this year. on sunday, my parents, my brother dave and i went down to central jersey to take my mother's (insane) parents out for dinner, which was a little odd as this was also where aunt gert lived for most of my life. my maternal grandparents are both crazy (a story for another day) and obvs could not care less that we just suffered such a loss, so they were pretty much oblivious/indifferent to all the strange memories that kept popping up for all of us as we drove up and down route 9.. oh, there's the complex where she lived.. there's the diner we had her goodbye brunch at.. there's the bagel place i took her to that one time.. etc.

we haven't been down there much in recent years, as a) my great aunt had had moved to a nursing home in san jose and b) my grandparents are (as i mentioned) completely out of their minds, but when i was 16 or 17 i pretty much lived down there. sadly, it's not that i was spending that much time bonding with my elderly relatives - i hung in old bridge because there was a fairly terrible all-ages club down there called the birch hill. during my metal years, when i was a cool rebellious teenager and wore gel bracelets, fishnet sleeves and jncos, i was down there pretty much every weekend for some terrible metal band or other. odds are good if you drop-tuned your ridiculous esp f-series guitar, had manic panic hair and ripped off ministry, i thought your band was AWESOME. no matter what the show was, i was there hours before doors, usually with my friend heather (who could not BELIEVE i made her get down there that early and would whine until i took her to a diner). it was one of those spots where you knew all the regulars, had friends you saw ONLY at shows, met new people every night - even though the music was by and large absolutely awful, those were good times. even if i hated the headliner, i'd make the 45-minute trek down just for one opening band. there was no myspace then, but we took copious pictures of ourselves on disposable kodak cameras. we were totally annoying. we were teenagers.

years later, my friends and i will still sometimes gather and reminisce about the nu-metal years. remember when fallon's band played at roseland? remember when mike wore leather bracelets with spikes? remember when heather (then a junior in high school) picked up a 30-year-old guy at a slipknot gig? remember when ozzfest (see: fig 1a - tommy lee!) sounded more like a yearly tradition than an awful ordeal? remember that guy from that band who got arrested for statutory, and how he used to aggressively hit on us all the time when we were like 15? god, did i look COOOOOL in that hot topic studded dog collar or WHAT? we all do a lot of stupid shit when we're teenagers, and i wasn't really drinking or doing drugs or sneaking out with boys or whatever (i didn't even get my ears pierced til i was like 16!), so i guess the fact that i had pink hair and wore fishnet sleeves wasn't that upsetting to my parents.

(unrelated but amazing: in august 2001, when fallon and kat visited me in jersey for a week or so, my father took me aside in the kitchen and said, "so... fallon's really nice. why does she have to make such horrible music?" oh, our sordid youth...)

i do remember those years fondly, mainly because i envy my enthusiasm. do you see molly, mike, me and elfi in that picture (fig 1b)? we are FRONT ROW CENTER at some garbage concert we showed up for at like noon, and we stood on the line with other lunatics and had a goodbye mr mackenzie sing-a-long until we were allowed to run full force up to this very spot on the barrier... once there, we screamed and danced like lunatics until our little hearts exploded, and then we (i) drove all night to boston to see them twice the next day. REALLY! nowadays, i won't get to a club until i know the headliner's about to go on - i can't remember the last time i went early to take in a band i'd never heard of, and usually i lurk by the bar in the back (exceptions: garbage, my childhood heroes, the sounds, who are irresistible, and siouxsie sioux, who is god). it's hard to get me to a show i have to pay for, and if i have to, odds are good i'll complain about it all night. i'm totally that snotty bastard i HATED when i was a teenager, and i totally hate those obnoxious teenagers who scream like lunatics from front row center.

this brings me to an horse, the act who opened for tegan and sara last night at terminal 5.

ok seriously, first of all, AN HORSE? not a horse, not one horse, not an elephant, but AN HORSE? omfg grammar... i want to murder you already. i haven't intentionally watched an opening band in probably thirty-five years, and you come out with that bullshit? also i get it, it's tegan and sara, this show is for lesbians, you're some blonde chick with short hair who sings soaring, heartfelt melodies over your artfully strummed guitar and you're probably exactly what the girls go crazy over SOMEWHERE, but i don't think you get new york. you said new york was a very polite city - that was our first clue. shortly afterwards, i turned to registered homosexual alex vega and quipped, "so you're a big gaymo, right? is this doing anything for you?" she replied in the negative. please take note, an horse. srsly.

that's out of the way; we can talk about the show now.

we should discuss how riese, alex, cait and i discovered we were all wearing brightly-coloured american apparel hoodies! this was not planned, but we looked like an extremely wussy street gang. cait was the only one not wearing chuck taylors; she obvs didn't read the memo properly. riese decided we should pretend to be an american apparel street team and ask people if they'd ever heard of this obscure new store. we resembled teletubbies, thus making me tinky winky - which is interesting, as i was the least homosexual person in our posse (but i do have a nice purse! my boyfriend bought it for me!). we stood out amongst the sea of semi-stylish black outfits.


ps: last time we saw tegan and sara, i drew this diagram of the four major haircuts of tegan and sara fans? there was only one haircut at this show: lesbofauxhawk. it was an intense crowd.

so we see noah (TEAM FIRED!) and go in, and we're at the bar in the back (of course), and i look up and i see my friend susan! last time i saw susan it was at a peaches gig, also full of women who enjoy other women, so this makes sense in my brain! so i'm like "HEYYY!" then she looks up and her face scrunches up all weird and she says "heyy" and i notice it's not my friend susan at all, just some girl who kinda looks like her and is obviously a little freaked out by my cheerful greeting. i don't know what to do so i say "WHAT'S UP?!" all brightly like we're old pals. the girl gives me the worst, most uncomfortable look ever and gets outta there in a hurry. she probably thought i was hitting on her. i just apparently like creating awkward situations where none exist. carry on.


oh, so tegan and sara played. i know a lot more of their music now. they're not my favourite, but i am really jealous of their super cute haircuts. their stage banter is really sweet and despite my earlier commentary re: enthusiastic teenagers, i actually do really enjoy watching people who are REALLY INTO a band. there's something totally amazing about watching someone watch their favourite artist, and i hope i am this adorable when i lose my shit over someone (which is often). tegan and sara have a really lovely fanbase who obviously worship them - points for them. i love that.


they didn't play "umbrella," which i guess i understand - that's only cute for so long. unfortunately, i'm pretty sure that's my favourite song in their repertoire, so it killed a little piece of the tegan and sara experience. hey guys! if you're going to remove that from your setlist, perhaps you could add a brand new cover of a modern urban classic? might i suggest "lipgloss" instead? i would pay big money to see your sensitive canadian interpretation.

oh, so the show's over and we're outside on the street while the homos come marchin' out of the club - let's talk about how some weirdo on the street yelled AUTOMATIC WINNNNN at riese. she's a cewebrity! hey, if you read this blog because you read hers and you're hoping i will dish something personal about her (which is probably a lot of you; i have no idea who most of you are), here's something: riese really likes strangers! if you see her on the street and recognise her, please say hi! engage her in intimate conversation about an intensely personal topic! it's her favourite! no, really, i thought that was actually really cool that somebody knew who she was, but it was kind of a squirmy moment on her part.


vega jumped [redacted] and beat her within an inch of her life. watch out for that bitch; she's fuckin' dangerous!


oh yeah, we also went to the seinfeld diner. it's somewhere weird on the west side, i don't know. i live in spanish harlem and i can't speak english barely at all anymore. there were relatively few hijinks. umm, that's about all i got. maybe i should stay sober next time a cartoon recap-worthy event goes down? ...nah.


el fin.